Thinking back

After one night of thought,
I come to a conclusion why is my life getting worse and worser.
I always excel in wat I do since kindergarden..pri sch..sec and poly..
excel as in up to my expectation not those number one in whole sg kind and schoolarships..
I always studied rly hard and get the max result that I myself noe I can get wif my ability..
but these me gradually disappear..after pri sch I guess..
Cos I actually scored 4marks lower than my best friend in pri sch..when our results was always on par or me sometimes getting higher marks than her...
and when in psle..these 4marks actually divided me into a normal neighbourhood sec sch and her into a good sec sch..
I think this is wher how the useless me start to exist...
I start to think why shld I studied hard when I am alr in a average sec sch and she is a gd sch..
even if I do well in sec sch..wher am I gg ltr? poly jc? then wat ltr..
So in the end I got into poly half heartedly.. as I dun wan to get in a average jc..(since my result is just nice fr jc or too good fr poly..)
And my that friend get into a gd jc...
And getting into poly halfheartedly gives me no goal or whatsoever..
anyway..wat in my heart is I got into a gd poly wif a gd course rite?
I didn't get into a common course like biz in poly which everyone goes and wat my fam wants me to go..I went to choose a science course..thinking my fam wanted me to get in biz cos my bro result is nt good and cant choose a biz course..and had to choose an IT course if nt he had to go ITE..
I was like it is my life why shld I let you all decide.
so I get in fd sci halfheartedly once agn to show my fam n friends I can excel in wat I choose.
so I went and gt a diploma 3 yrs ltr..
and now I feel like my life had been so meaningless..like I am on a boat that floats aimlessly on an ocean all these while..
where shld I go? but deep within me..i will hav these thinking like anyway I am gg to end my life soon..It doesn't matter whether I go uni or go work rite..?
why work or study so hard when I dun even see a future in front of me..?
why shld I put in effort when I knew I will jus end my life if it is too hard on me..?
bt then..ther came an incident wherby my neighbour jumped off our blk at the stairway beside my home..and it scares me...I am like so after I jump this is wat will happen..and so I decide to live..
until living is mre scarier than dying then I will decide to end my life..
and i idle my time ard fr 1 yr..before i enrol in uni..which my fam had wanted..
and now 1 yr had passed..results out and i did horribly..only then i realised this is how i had been living..
no who to blame bt myself..up till now i had been living my life aimlessly and uselessly since I see no future ahead..
one day my fam friend are going to leave me one by one and I know I cant lived on myself...
I still dunno hw to live alone... these scares me..
and jus now..i finally told my mum my horrendous result and she was like talking abt my bro last time young that time was faring so badly in sch always and teacher was always complaining to her..and she was always worry abt my bro the most cos i am such a gd kid and always fares well in sch so she nv worries abt me...
bt now my bro had grad frm uni and gotten himself a ajob..whereas i am the one idling ard and hardly surviving in uni that she worries abt me now..
and my mum kip on saying sometimes things jus dun go the way they expected..
a kid that she thought will do well in her life ended up being a shit
and a kid she thought will nt do well in his life endedup being an ace
and saying she rly worries fr me as she cant be by my side forever
and when she dies she will leave her things fr us...and that's rly all she could do fr us lastly alr..
and I said to her backfacing her asking her if she wants to make a will then pls leave everything to bro and not me..as it will be wasted on me afterall..
and i ran back to my room after tat...didn't want to let her see I am crying..
I rly envy those who had a dream a goal ,what they wan to do in life...
I dun have such things..I only noe i had to study to get to sec sch studied to get in poly and studied to get in uni and then..wat?
without a studying job..wat shld i do or rather wat i can do?
this is gg to be a qn i will kip asking myself.
Later i am gg to tell my dad i gotten back my results and i passed all..
a white lie. yes. cos i noe he will breakdown and i will breakdown too if he knows the truth.
it is stressful to hav such a dad...bt it is mre stressful when i hav such a mum who nv say anything n accept everything quietly saying i am an adult alr I can decide on my own...
and mre mre stressful if i am without them...ah..i rly dunno wat i wan anymre..