Ma Aug 2015.

 This Aug is a roller coaster ride for me..

A lot happen..

So I didn't rly update much wif photos..

and in its place is jus words of frustration..sadness..nervous..happy..

So now..things seem to have settledwn abit fr me..

So back wif photos taken this mth..

 Every wkend de sunset that always greets me as I went out..

Somehow...heighten my spirits..

 And I went chocomark fr the vry first time since mths ago..

I think I am waiting fr yh to meet ltr or sumthing..

nt vry sure..since it has been wks alr..

 The starbucks me n yh went after she came back frm her hk trip..

2secondtime..I went to airport wait ppl..ahaahahahah

then talk a lot..and then went ntuc ther fr some shopping fr tmy surprise party stuff..

 met up the vry nex day..

went ntuc tgt fr gocery shopping at sunplaza ntuc..

Hmm..had to thanks wmzyj..

cause gg shopping at ntuc n buying it hm to prepare a meal..

is actually wat I had never experience yrs alr..

And I had always imagine what is it like doing so nex time..

bt this time rly fulfil my dream..

and this dream is mre realistic as it is the ntuc at sunplaza and nt other places..

And I get to choose n buy wat I want to eat fr a long time..

bt since my mum dun cook anymre..

rly rly happy ^^

got chance lets go agn

 and also waiting bus at semb interchange wif friends n nt my mum..

is also a rly new experience fr me..

I will rmb this as long as it would last.

 Also preparing the cake..and dishes fr steamboat..

nagging at ea other

laughing at ea other

chatting at ea other..

rly is fun.

 Due to me..

strawberry cake is made ahahahah..

I rly like strawberry shortcake..

 

 fooling ard wif the selfie stick after we are done wif everything n waiting fr tmy..

fisrt time using it and didn't know it is quite heavy actually..

 managed to surprise tmy wif cake n steamboat dinner..

 

  Played card game n drinking game at fmh room..

had been a long time since I played wif cards..

had fun too..shouting screaming laughing clapping framing

ahahah

 and it was me who left first as I am cinderalla..

dad is calling me home :(

 then gt back my results after tmy bdae party..

3 failed 2 passed..what I had expected..

angry disappointed sad bewildered scared..

all kinds of feelings rushing through my mind n heart everyday..

thinked of what I am gg to do..then I told my mum abt my result..

n lied to my dad that I passed all..

getting guilty..nervous..cried in the car..htht wif my mum..

days passes as things passes too..

and no time to rest..

nex up is my bro grad...

collecting of robe..getting rly sad when I hear wat my dad n bro want of me..

ironing bro robe fr him..and after setting it up at his wardrobe..i jus sat dwn n stare at it fr along time..

mixed feelings..

like ah..time rly pass so fast my bro is nw out of army n a uni grad..

ah will I ever be able to wear this n make my fam proud of me?

 then no mre time to waste..the day of grad ceremony came..

n we attending it..taking photos..

Somehow my memory n time seem to have paused at after my bro grad frm poly..

after tat all the things tat happens seem unreal to me..

like a big fast forward n here we are 2015 alr..

 though bz n a lot things happen everyday..

I still contd doing my hobbies..while I am still able to afford some time into it..

sketching is one of it..

tried to sketch sehun..bt still dosnt look like him...I will edit agn nex time..

singing is also my hobby..

bt I dun seem to improved at all..

bt I jus enjoyed recording my singing and listening to it whether it is acceptable or nt..

even bought a mic..

reading n cutting mag is my hobby too..

still had somemre mag to clear...

drama so far..i cleared alr..

then nex shld be my ssce alr..

chossing of modules..my resits plus new modules..

tthen sch start then paid money..

 cried agn talking wif my unifriend...wher she oso fail 3 module n she is transferring to rmit alr nex jan intake..she ask me to join her..bt I said I wanted uol still.

If I went rmit...I rly dunno hw to face my fam in future..

using other ppl money is rly mind blowing..

the responsibility u need to have after ppl invest their money in you..

hiax...

life had to continue even if the front is pitch black rite..?

 So this is a conclusion what n how my aug 2015 had been..

rly I can alr hear santa claus nearing alr..

yr end as expected gives off a sad feeling somehow..

bt I still like yr end better than yr start..

it is sad bt heartwarming n sort of romantic isn't it?

Anyway..till next time again ^^

Normal day

 Me today^-^

 Rly think high society is a nt bad drama..

First time second main lead cp shines mre than first lead cp

And tried my fruit vinegar tdy..

I bought it the other day after drinking some at fmh hse..

I am a person who hates vinegar..

Bt somehow this fruit infusion vinegar drink meets my taste ahajah..

Advice session for my uni

Today i went to the academic advice session wif fmh...
And felt abit nt so hlpless like this past wk..
Though i alr know the things that the advisor told me..
It is mre of like a comfirmation notice to me
So i felt like ok..this is it..no mre wat if? Qns in my heart anymre. This is it kind of feeling..
So i can stip dreaming n fantasizing of another better ending fr me.
I jus had to accept it and make the best out of it nex may.
This time. Rly is die or pass kind of feeling.
Glad that i hav friends who i can htht to.
Makes me life nt too bleak at least.
Sometimes rly if it is nt the qauntity of friends u have bt mre of the quality of friends u hav that matters.
Thanksful to them.. and thankful to my mum fr understanding n accepting the truth of me..
For now think of nth bt study!!

Your dad. My dad.

Sometimes gg to slp is the best way to deal with my dad.
Persistent and noise maker him.
Yes...and this is my 22th yr dealing wif him..
Person who is always testing my limits.
I wish my dad is the silent strict mature kind of dad.

好像能挺过去了。

" Don't just survive it, live it. "

-TY-

Bro collection of robe.

Today..hmm..shld be ytd..
Went to collect my bro grad robe at broadway...
Lots of thinking flies through my mind...
And my fam insist me to take photo wif me n my bro both wearing the robe wif my parents..
Sort of like a formal fam photo.
This is the first time we went to such a photo shoo to take a fam photo.
I understand..bt this decision rly goves me mre pressure and mre guilty..
Pressure cos..i highly chance may nt grad frm uni..
But nex time if i am a uni dropout..isnt this photo to be the joke of the year..?
Guilty cos..i lied to my dad saying i all pass borderline fr my exams...felt so srryyy when he was like wah..well done my daughter! At least she manage to pass all!
And i jus burst out crying on the car...when my dad thought i am nt satisfied wif my borderline marks..bt actually i am so so srryy in my heart...
Bt i had to lied...given his forceful character and it is jus my first yr..if i say the truth that i fail 3 modules..
I dun even dare to think of the consequences...
I rly wished in my heart that to repent fr my lies...i rly wish to be the first one to die in my fam...
This life is jus to hard...bt i cant blame amyone bt myself..
Thats why it is mre hard fr me now...
I dun dare to tell my fam all my thoughts n feelings...
Cos i dun even have the right to do so...
Rly can only put it in my heart...
When my bro say or dun take the photo la..wait sis grad liao than we take fam photo...
This sentence rly jus breaks me into thousand pieces...
I rly feel srry to be such a useless member in this fam...
But yet i had to hid my sadness and laugh in front of them....

Thinking back

After one night of thought,
I come to a conclusion why is my life getting worse and worser.
I always excel in wat I do since kindergarden..pri sch..sec and poly..
excel as in up to my expectation not those number one in whole sg kind and schoolarships..
I always studied rly hard and get the max result that I myself noe I can get wif my ability..
but these me gradually disappear..after pri sch I guess..
Cos I actually scored 4marks lower than my best friend in pri sch..when our results was always on par or me sometimes getting higher marks than her...
and when in psle..these 4marks actually divided me into a normal neighbourhood sec sch and her into a good sec sch..
I think this is wher how the useless me start to exist...
I start to think why shld I studied hard when I am alr in a average sec sch and she is a gd sch..
even if I do well in sec sch..wher am I gg ltr? poly jc? then wat ltr..
So in the end I got into poly half heartedly.. as I dun wan to get in a average jc..(since my result is just nice fr jc or too good fr poly..)
And my that friend get into a gd jc...
And getting into poly halfheartedly gives me no goal or whatsoever..
anyway..wat in my heart is I got into a gd poly wif a gd course rite?
I didn't get into a common course like biz in poly which everyone goes and wat my fam wants me to go..I went to choose a science course..thinking my fam wanted me to get in biz cos my bro result is nt good and cant choose a biz course..and had to choose an IT course if nt he had to go ITE..
I was like it is my life why shld I let you all decide.
so I get in fd sci halfheartedly once agn to show my fam n friends I can excel in wat I choose.
so I went and gt a diploma 3 yrs ltr..
and now I feel like my life had been so meaningless..like I am on a boat that floats aimlessly on an ocean all these while..
where shld I go? but deep within me..i will hav these thinking like anyway I am gg to end my life soon..It doesn't matter whether I go uni or go work rite..?
why work or study so hard when I dun even see a future in front of me..?
why shld I put in effort when I knew I will jus end my life if it is too hard on me..?
bt then..ther came an incident wherby my neighbour jumped off our blk at the stairway beside my home..and it scares me...I am like so after I jump this is wat will happen..and so I decide to live..
until living is mre scarier than dying then I will decide to end my life..
and i idle my time ard fr 1 yr..before i enrol in uni..which my fam had wanted..
and now 1 yr had passed..results out and i did horribly..only then i realised this is how i had been living..
no who to blame bt myself..up till now i had been living my life aimlessly and uselessly since I see no future ahead..
one day my fam friend are going to leave me one by one and I know I cant lived on myself...
I still dunno hw to live alone... these scares me..
and jus now..i finally told my mum my horrendous result and she was like talking abt my bro last time young that time was faring so badly in sch always and teacher was always complaining to her..and she was always worry abt my bro the most cos i am such a gd kid and always fares well in sch so she nv worries abt me...
bt now my bro had grad frm uni and gotten himself a ajob..whereas i am the one idling ard and hardly surviving in uni that she worries abt me now..
and my mum kip on saying sometimes things jus dun go the way they expected..
a kid that she thought will do well in her life ended up being a shit
and a kid she thought will nt do well in his life endedup being an ace
and saying she rly worries fr me as she cant be by my side forever
and when she dies she will leave her things fr us...and that's rly all she could do fr us lastly alr..
and I said to her backfacing her asking her if she wants to make a will then pls leave everything to bro and not me..as it will be wasted on me afterall..
and i ran back to my room after tat...didn't want to let her see I am crying..
I rly envy those who had a dream a goal ,what they wan to do in life...
I dun have such things..I only noe i had to study to get to sec sch studied to get in poly and studied to get in uni and then..wat?
without a studying job..wat shld i do or rather wat i can do?
this is gg to be a qn i will kip asking myself.
Later i am gg to tell my dad i gotten back my results and i passed all..
a white lie. yes. cos i noe he will breakdown and i will breakdown too if he knows the truth.
it is stressful to hav such a dad...bt it is mre stressful when i hav such a mum who nv say anything n accept everything quietly saying i am an adult alr I can decide on my own...
and mre mre stressful if i am without them...ah..i rly dunno wat i wan anymre..

HATE

Received my results.. 3 failed 2 passed..
In my whole life...worst exams results i have ever got...
And for the first time in my life...my ecema got so serious...
And first time...that i feel this feeling...
Your heart is so much in pain and anxiety..that tears wun even come out...
So this is rly the true feeling of depressed huh...
It hurts so much that it made me become a rly selfish person...
Even i am scared of such thoughts in me...
Hearing my friends ard getting a better result than me..just make me mre depressed n jealous...i cant feel happy fr them at all...
I JUST HATE WHY MY LIFE IS GOING DOWNHILL AS TIME PASSES AND WHY MY BRO LIFE IS GETTING BETTER AS TIME PASSESS!!!!
IT SHLD BE ME WHO IS EXCELS THAN HIM!!+
IT SHLD BE ME THAT IS HAPPIER THAN HIM!!!!!!
SINCE YOUNG IT SHLD BE LIKE TAT!!!
SO WHYWHYWHY NOW EVERYTHING CHANGES!!!!!
WHY IS IT ONLY ME WHO GET THE BAD THINGS!!!!
WHERE IS THE ME FRM THE PAST!!!
SHE IS GONE LOST HER WAY NT COMING BACK
HATEHATEHATEIT

150811

So went to fetch her at changi airport..wif a nervous heart but
Glad that she is..everything is fine..
Hope everything will end well soon fr her friend as well.

A Trip Embroiled With Unforesee Circumstances

Rly worried abt one of my friend now...

I dunno why such things always happen to her...

Can imagine her face at ther alr...

Rly hope i am at hk wif her..

Though i think even if i am ther..i at most is cry tgt wif her...

Hope she can endure till tml and safely bring back her friend to sg...

Ahhhh...another young ppl is down...

Though life is tiring...everyone pls stay strong..

草莓族的我们。

Hectic day & ♡SG

Today is a rly bz day fr me...
But before I start to rant...I shall wish SG happybdae first ahahah..
Ok i know is past midnight alr..
But i alr wishu alr ytd midnite ahahahah
How many 50 years a person have?
So this SG50 is a rly big event fr most ppl...
Cause i dun rly think i will be alive to see SG100 ahahahah...
Shall catch the live parade online tml..
Today...thanks to my mum vry "accurate" prediction..
Saying nat parade alot ppl at town celebrating..jb custom will be all clear...
And we endedup reaching home 1plus am...
Lol..queuing stand wif such heavy bags of shopping items..hot noisy..impatient all ard...rly dk hw i endure the snakes of queues ther jus nw..lol!!
Plus so many tourist coaches..sbs bus had to giv way to them...jeezzz...customs also full hse still i thought ther is another live parade ther...
Anyway..tdy rly bought alot things that we needed..that is alot ex than when we buy in sg..
So i am..we are happy..and the dinner at canton i restaurant rly lives up to our chow fam's expectations...we rly eat llike ther is no tml..3 rounds of eating n ordering once agn till ppl were looking at us and staff in disbelief lol..whenever we beckon them to come..they will say..order again?! Alot alr ley..lol!!
The bill came up to be 450plus bucks*gulps*
Luckily rm exchange rate is now 2.7..so change to sgd 160plus nia...
吓死人sia rly...tdy rly spent money like water..
Wrry fr my dad...hiaxxx...this wkend rly shag sia..gg out everyday...luckily tml is a holi..so i dun nid prepare my bro working uniform...phew...
Ok...it is 3plus alr...shld rly slp now...
Nowadays i always slp so late...rly wanna change this bad habit sia!! Hmmph!!
And yh nw shld be otw t hk in the air liao..
Hope her friend n her will do fine ther and had a happy shopping ther fr the nex few days...
Envy her max..cos can go overseas trip wif friend which my dad will hella forbid me de cfm chop chop...
Nvm nvm dun emvy dun envy..cos i no money anyway must kip repeat myself lol!!

Getting paranoid abt my dreams.

The me nowadays is like a ocean.
Seem calm n normal on always..
But full of anxiety actually under the calm water surface..
As aug reaches...everyday i am thinking abt my uni things
The results n wat to choose or rather wat i can chose to study in year 2...
The money..the confidence lost in yr1...
I rly wonder if i can handle all of these in this year..
I even have dreams almost everyday abt me getting bak my results...
And ytd nite the dream of me getting back my results seems so real that I almost couldnt get back to reality...
Take few min to wonder whether is getting bak my results earlier a dream or reality...
This time is so real n impactful that i totally rmb every little details of the dream...
Results fr every single subject i took...
I dare not say out...afraid that it might be hinting something or maybe will turn out to be real..
This is the first time i actually dream of getting back my results since all my yrs of studying and exams...
Ahhh....stresssss!!!!

Today

今天♡

天气美心情也美。