Failing body...pls get back on track...

At times...I feel so inferior...
Rotting away as time passes by...
Rly dun like when ppl look at me..
When I am in these pathetic state..
I dun need any judging eyes...
Cant do anything with this wretched body of mine..
Feel like I am becoming a monster...weirdo..
Hope my situation will turn better after this wk...

28May2015-Jus saying

Finally Exams officially ended..

Think I can pass stats n maths..

but the other 3..i am afraid I had to retake nex yr...

but I rly dun have the strength to think of it as of now...

There is another thing mre urgent to take care of now...

 Actually..

I like taking photos.

Not because I think I am pretty or what..

But I want proof..of things that I cant grab hold of in future.

Yes..I like the me mre in the past than now..

as I grow older..things are gg out of control and leaving me...

I wan to see back the past pictures of me to make myself believe I am not a freak..

I am a normal person jus like anyone else

I dun need pretty face..model like body shape..long slim fingers..pretty eyes..smile killer mouth..or angelic voice

I had been fighting wif my skin probs since it started attacking me unknowingly when I am jus in primary school..and rob me of normal things other kids are able to do...are able to wear..

This is the first time I am brave enuf to say out..

I had nv ever say it out and jus place this frustration in my heart..

But I rly cant take it anymre..

This is so bad that I even starting to hate it when ppl look at me in the streets..

I am feeling so inferior as thoughts jus came to my mind..

thoughts like..omg..what happen to this girl's skin poor thing..

thoughts like her skin is rotting and she still dare to come out?

she is a freak..shld wash my eyes after I get home..

will I get affected coming near her?

And when I started to hate the me now..I looked back photos in the past to remind myself that I was healthy too in the past..and I wanted to go back..

Don't look at me wif your eyes saying you think I am pitiful

Don't look at me wif your eyes clearly stating you are disgusted

Jus look at me like how you look at a normal person

I dun even dare to go out nowadays..

Dun even dare to go back my hospital..

dun even dare to look at the mirrors...

silently hoping that one day when I wake up everything is jus a dream..

I cried slping ytd and I am crying typing this now..

Crying doesn't helps..but..nothing is able to hlp me...

Cant even get a job wif me looking like this..

And I feel so guilty towards my mum..

I promised her I would make gd use of my holi to find money..

I promised her to study hard n pass my exams...

I rly feel so so sorry now...

Secretly pray to heaven to take my life if it is gg to contd like this...

jus end in a way so fast n sudden that I wun feel any pain or fear..

I am so tired...

this battle of living on is so hard..and yet I cant do anything wif this wretched body..



Pissed.

Sometimes..things n ppl are just funny...
I was the first one to tell my fam ytd..
That i will be retaking my Stats paper as this is an error wif the exam paper.
But today once the news came out abt UOL retaking of stats paper..
Every single ppl jus came to me n say u know abt the UOL the stats paper need to retake mah?
U know why not?
Why are they sounding like i am the last one to noe when i was the first one to tell them this news alr?
1time..2time and now 3 times...
Rly pissed me off max..
And the reason my mum give is the one that make me mre hot...
She say ytd u tell me tat time..the news or radio oso mv say anything abt it mah...so mayb is u heard the wrong info..
I was like so I am so untrustworthy to you la?!
Ytd when i told them..they act like no big deal and tdy once the news came out..they all flock to me like a big deal n asking me back...
JEEZZZ

Grateful feelings.

Jus finished my last paper..
And hibernated for almost 2days...
Sideeffects n payback period fr my these 2 wks of hard labour..
Jus finally get back the strength to do my own things...
Things that i had to stop doing cos of my mugging
So first thing on the checklist..
Clean room.
After cleaning n while waiting fr my room to dry..
I was like sitting on enjoying the AC in other room..
And was thinking abt my exam...
Like it is rly over now...even the mods that i am confident of..yet i still flunged it...
Jus as i was beginning to emo..
My phone vibrated...showing a new msg arrived
I was like..seldom ppl will msg me except my dad..
Normally i contact my friend wif watsapp..
Then i was like wat is nex..n opened that msg..
Little did i expected it was a msg frm sim informing me of the stats paper that i need to retake as the stats table was missing during the examination dat...
I straightaway jump up frm my seat n screamed...out of happinesss..
Really...i was like did heaven or god or my grandpa heard my troubles n giv me this second chance...
I was rly rly damn happy..and went to check my sch email wif a trembling fingers n heart..
Though among the other students some may not be too happy aby it..or may even think it is unfair fr them..bt i rly cant suppress my happiness..
Rly will nv forget this grateful n elated feelings i had experienced today..
Thankyou..to whoever and wherever u are..
Thanks fr making this possible...
Thanks fr giving me one mre chance...
Thankuuu.

UOL 1st Yr Exams Ended.

Exams over..

Though i fare badly..

But i blame no one except myself.

Jiayou.

Some photos...

Throwback over this 2 wks.