I'm fine, but help me

虽然他们看起来在笑，但实际上每天都在低落的情绪中挣扎。”比起可怕的抑郁症，更可怕的是Ta的抑郁症无人知，无人说。

不要忽略了

I'm fine 其实是 Help me

Taipei 20171224

Went on overseas trip wif friend

First trip without my fam

And first trip wif friend

It had been yrs since i spent nite out frm hm

My dad is strict.

So this is the first time fr me and a special time

I spend what i earn

And i even went 2 trips just in this yr..

Not work trips bt holiday trips

Though abit xin tong

No money liao bt felt a type of satisfaction

I first time spend money the money i earn to gift my parents a trip

Though is jus a near trip to hk

Bt rly felt proud of myself..

Though i am nt close wif my fam

Bt they indeed gave me what i request since young and rly let me go on many trips since young as conpare to my neighbour relatives and friends among me

I went to most countries alr when i wasjus a amall kid

While others my age jus at most go msia

Rly thnxful

Hope i can earn enuf money to go overaeas once every yr..

And one time wif fam one time wif friend

Thanks yh fr accepting my inpomptu request

And end up jus goin on a 3days trip to taiwan

Bt i think i rly tired out with jus 3days of tour..

Plus since i no creditcard..

Had to wait fr yh to have time to buy air tickets last min and end up paying mre than expected..

Bt fr me still within budget. 

               Spend xmas first time out of sg

Bt totally feel no xmas feel when in taiper as we focusing on gg wher to see scemery

Went fr maokong gondola, miranmar ferris wheel, jiu fen mt and elephant mt..

Quite happy that we manage to go scenic views on our own 

As our goal was nt shopping bt is gg see natural scemery

Ibut a pity no chance to go put night lattern

N go yangminshan n sun moon lake

Though i went before wif my fam fews yrs back

Bt had wanted to show yh that as it was her first time gg taiwan

Mayb nex time

 Find out mre abt my long time friend tg through this trp as well

Realise we are rly diff in every aspects

Bt we respect ea other and understand ea other

Hence we blend in well.

Generally i find her a gd companion except rhe fact that she walk too fast and vry 草率 as a female.

And the fact thati am rly lazy to plan schedules..

Too tired

Also she is a gd treasurer

Cant wait fr my nex trip to korea liao

Hope everything is fine by mex yr end..

N everyone schedule matches and can go korea fr at lwast a week

Mean while live hard earn hard

And in the end smile even harder

Short Welcome back for FMH

 After 4mths in china..

fmh is back fr a wk in sg..

went to airport..

feeling diff as we are all working adults alr..

no longer kids that go sch and after sch hang out at mac and neighbourhood..

taking planes are like everyday lifes fr us.

 the feeling is good that we manage to catch up..

though i am feeling rly tired n mood nt rly gd frm all my work related stuff..

feel abit guilty of nt spendingmuch time wifthem..

think i shld manage n cntrol negative emotions mre to myself..

 went jem to meetup..

bt cos keln tmy is nt here..

i am the first one to reach n first onethatnid to go off..

suddenly feel vrytroublesome and wantedto goeat lunch n go hm myself..

dw wait them le..

cos had a rough day at work..

but in the end went lunch wif them oso..

got alil bit irritated n angry when they say abt my trip to taiwan

wanted towalk off..

but manage to control my emotions..

gt rlysensitive on sat..

shouldnt meet friend when your mood is bad..

 moodget abit better..

bt still tried..nitestill nid go out..

and today i spet frm 12midnit to 2pm..

cos too tired le..

and suddenly think fmh is flying back to china one tues..

feel bad...

anyway..take safe and see you in april..

Sunday calmy

Actually sometimes i am rly scared to talk to ppl..
Or when ppl come to talk to me.
My mind goes blank
And will be like thinking oh shit! What shld i say next?!! Cant he stop talking..
And i tend to try to smile my sweetest and look professional and speak professional..
But actually i am peeing in my shorts..
I wamted to look pretty bt i dun like attention ppl giv me..
It is kind of irony rite?
It is christmas soon...but i feel abit sian...so fast need to xin ku one mre yr liao...
Another yr of uncertainies...
Exams coming but outcome?
Shld i end my work. Hw to leave when my boss so demanding kind..
Need to find new job? Contract le this time?
Ubxertainies once again..
Life n humans are so irony...
If there is a 陆杨to marry me ahahah..

29nov once again!

Went to celebrate yh bdae once again..
Went for a international buffet at novotel in clarke.
Like the ambience ther..

Food was not bad.
But dessert was nicer.
Then went chill abit wif alcohols except fr me
Hate alcoholic drinks as i grow older.
Like latte more..
Then grab home.
1plus 2 am then get to slp
Totally like a zombie tdy at work
Yawning everywhere in front of cctv and bosses i oso dun care..
Too tired le srsly...
Dunno why i am able to wake up at 5.30am srsly
Feel like i nv slept at all..
N shit happen alll at once at work this morning n make my day so crazy n hectic as usual..
Then still nid go fr nite class tdy..
Cant imagine i am sitting in lecture hall now typing this during breaktime..
And worst is tml still nid work...
I am crazily wanting to lie in bed srsly...
Ahhh so tired for godness sake...
Photos shall be up when i get enuf slp fist of all
Lol
Happy birthday yuhui omce again
Though my wallet seems most cheap among the gift u received lol
Bye!

A Little Update of Me

 Just came back from hk bt..

straight into work and sch..

feels like it had been a longtime since i came back bt actually jus 1wk plus since my hk trip

finally had sometimeto sit dwn andtype some post here in my lilworld..

 Though i hadgone to many countries all over the world since Iwas young..

but this time round it was alil diff

this was the trip i bring my parent go using my own money..

ofc my n my bro split the cost tgt..

and first time we went on ourselves without tour grp...

first timewedid nt stay in a atas hotel but in arented hse..

booking our own airtickets..

an d planning our tripbyourselves..

first time no rush ardwif tour every day..

but it wakeup at our own and slowly walk ard the town westaying..

and having bf and getting ard using their transport in hk..

their bus coach their electric trams their mtr and theirtrains..

rly too cool but..likewise is quite tiring..

 cos we haddiff taste andlikings..

nhad to bring myparents ard when they wasat a age that they get tired walking easily 

and the placeswewantedto go is diff..

i wanted to see the scenery bt they dun like walk too much and jus wanted to eat and shop..

bt i amthe type ofperson tta doesntrly like shoppig..

i lke to online shopping as i can sitdwn and everything is jus a click away..

and so cheap..

i rather wanted to blend into the local life when i am in overseas 

like gg jog n cycle at their parks..

chilling at cafe and taking their trainsard seeing the view allard..

it wasthe first time in mylife i am getting paid while on aholi..

firsttime working asa perm and takingleave to go oeverseas..

no time to relaxafter i return andstraight dive into work n night classes..

and zoom 1wk pus gone..

nex arriving is again my most fave time of the year..

Xmas!!!

everything is finally coming to an end..

love listening to christmas carols and looking at the street lights..

cant wait to meet my long time no see friend  frm china..

~

this pastwk was like a rollercoaster..

I almostcriedcos of anger and frustration

and I was rly happy somedays of the wk...

all cos of work ya...

hope nex wk willbe a gd one..

as wed my boss is on leave dun nid see her...and and and...

thurs is whole day job fair at wdland

and sat no nid work..

heng ar...

then nex monday..

received pay lo...

whole mth of hard work...

rly so so in need of this mth money lol.!!

n photos frm this hk trip i hav nt hav time to edit everything yet..

jus managed to uload some in fb..

arrrso tired....

shall go to slp soon..

tml is along long day...

shall be back agn 

see ya,everybody

Back frm hk trip

Cant adjust back easily..

4days at hk..

Then morning still at hk bt nite now at sg attend class le..tmk working..

So sian and weird..

My qhole body aching frm the trip

Free n easy on tour self is rly difficylt esp when u had to bring your parents ard

Which gets tired easily and the things we each want to see n try is diff..

Think i nid to think clearly if nex time still want plan ownself tour wif them..

Bt anythung is better then back in sg n nid work agn sian...

The temp here mre sian...lol

GeostormDate

Went to watch a movie after my girl yh came back from states

2 movies last wk one is

My fave Jackie Chan movie The Foreigner that i went watch alone by myself last min

then second is Happy Death Day which i waited for 4 mths with my colleague

and this wk Geostorm wif yh

good movies these days..

enjoyed allof it..

long time nv watch movies as nt much caught my atention.

and cant imagine i rly walk to tmy hse jus fr kfc and wal back to northpt to catch a movie..

someone pls control these girl yh..

rlyheridea sia..

lol

~

~~

 Received a post cardfrm overseas fmh

Forget when was the last i received postcard/letter frm someoneelse..

as internet is so advance these day..

everyone is few seconds away frm ea other..

rlypaiseh as msg to me was seen by everyone out there..

at the same time was touch as i received at the leastexpected timing..

after a long tiring day

T.Y

FMH

Takecare and see you soon in dec.

New ppl in my life. TY

Tgif with my girl..

My lil sis..

Who is so much taller than me..

Ahahah

Went sing k wif someone not in wmzyj 

It had been afew yrs since i went sing k wif other friends outside of wmzyj

Surprisingly i am not shy n awkwarf at all

Sing my lungs out while she is jus mre of like being a listener..

Lol..

I think...i rly enjoyed singin in my free time

Had went to sing k last wk and now agn ajah

Now i mre n mre like to sing k wif total 2 person..

Can aing mre n enjoy mre..

This girl jus knew her  fr 3 wks..

But the harsh lonely working condition forces us to bond so fast and become best of the best colleagues duo..

Thanks kai rou.

Dk will you be able to perserve n work long long wif me till dec..

But i rly thanks fr your hlp n companion in this period..

If not go to work will be so so much unbearable to me.

Thanks jing yi as well

I miss my friends.. but they are all so bz wif their own lifes..

Thanks fr filling in temporary fr them

N make my working life abit mre bearable n endurable.

Thanks claire fr your guidance fr the past 3 mths before u left one mth ago.

Romise to sing k tgt ok. Hope everything will b fine fr your next job.

Autumn Gala 2017

 So sat after working half day i went hm change and 4.30pm wemt to this autmn gala at big box..

Didnt know this event is so big de event.

Got 300 tables lol

Like an official conapny d&d like tat..

The songs dance all is my mum see le oso dun lky kind of traditional thing

Dk hw i survive.

4 Months as a Perm

Finally make some time to do my mask pack

Suppose to be once per wk bt i was too bz

That i missed last wk..

Hav to be gd to my face

As now everyday so unhealthy lifestyle

Lilhrs of slp plus heavy workload

..

So far i had worked as a perm for 4 mths alr

Got unhappy n happy feelings thoroughout

But times rly flies nomatter you are happy or sad

Still rmb the time when i jus ended exams in may

And was bz sending resumes

Finding job to prep myself to quit sch n come out work life.

Then after 2wk no news and attend some interviews..

Beginning to lose hope and suddenly

Land one interview and the nex day start working

As a perm n is direct employment

Then everyday oso is a challenge to me

Everyday go hm oso screaming in my heart i wan to quit i wan to quit

I wan die le i wan die le

Then colleague suddenly say she last day

N i was rly sad

Then the vry nex thing is i get confirmation

Then rly stress as left me alone only..

And so many things due..

N i dk my stuff yet..

But can feel my boss trying to be mre patient wif me sonce i am the only one surbordinate left..

Cant bring myself to quit...

Then 2wk pass by...

A new hr girl came in

She is rly tall like kwangsoo n me is haha

Then dun rly like her at first n find that we dun clique well 

Think that our combi weird weird too..

Till now is 2nd wk wif her le..

Totally bff liao...

Rly thanks her presence making me mre daring n outgoing as i am nt alone.

Make me braver.

And this 2 wks is fun..

Hmmp or i can say is overall mre fun than unhappy..

Cos this 2wks fr me rly like roller coaster vry happy one sec then another sec so sian kip do wrong thing n kena scolded.

My boss even say when i ask u smth i wan a definite answer hor not hmm..shld be...i thinkso..

So stress.

Then i feel abit pissed off as well

Cos smth is done by her wrong n she kip confronting me.

Then i buaytahan say is you do de not me.

Then she say then is my fault la..

Then wat?! I only wan u to stop acting like i am he one who do wrong mah.

Nv say is u shld undo the wrong n make it roght.

I can redo fr u bt u shldnt blame it on me mah

I rly dun care she who le. Jus say outright is u

Lol..

I now jus is like dun too rely on my new colleague 

Dw to feel hesrtbreak n hlpless agn

Frm now onward i am gg to think she is part time and will be leaving 2wks ltr.

I am gooin to kip this mentality till she get confirmed.

Now is like think of a person part time here at hr hlping me

At least hlpe dao my sep payroll..

If nt only me..

Heng sia rly.

If nt i think i sat not only nid to work till 11pm..bt sun oso nid go back work toll 11pm

Have to thanks jingyi as well

Fr coming back on sat to hlp us.

Now finally oct...

One mre mth then i can relax. 

Nov gg overseas 

Short trip to rest. Then jou awaitng xmas le

Then hav to rly think about whether i am leaving this job anot.

To focus on my studies.

Or can afford to work till feb.

Chiong fr my bonus

See hw bah

So this is a vry long update fr this past 4 mths..

Thats y u can see i nv post as frequently as before after i started working.

Nt i dw..

Bt everyday 24hrs is nt enuf fr me srsly..

If got extra one min i also wan used it fr slpping

Rly tired..

Rly looking fwd to tml meeting yh

And frinite meeting wmzy minus fmh

Then sat me alone work half day at office

Whole office is mine

Muahahah

Bt sat nite nid attend company dinner event 

Sian max

1st wk of uni yr 4.

Feel weird gg back to uni fr lesson
N bombarded by lots of work stuff recently
It has been crazy these days..
These wk esp..wif uni lectures starting and payroll wif corrupted sytem n addon internal war..
N plus ongoing requests frm all over
I wan to gcry bt no tears came out
I wan to shout bt no time to even breathe.
I dun wanna giv up
I wan to be as bz n as tired as possible like my idols wannaone
Always working hard day and nite.
I wan to work till ny body die dwn.
I can i can..
Hwaiting..
Tml is sat
8am til..?
11pm i predict.
Let u noe tml the ans ahahag
See ya on sun..
Hwaiting..
N now i suddenly rmb i haven ate my dinner yet...
Dun care le..
Gonna slp n prep fr tml.
Bye

Spoilt my wkend!

This time ard..
Me ,mum,bro quarrel agn...
No is me alone who quarrel with them
Over our return flight..
I wan an earlier flight and reach hm 12midnite..
Bt bro n mum wants 2am reach sg..
Actually is a small issue n they jus nid to talk to me n i will chanhe my mind..
But what makes me mre angry is me alone talk behind them abt i wan that earlier flight n both of them treat me as invisible and that bro jus says..i dun care about her..so mum we choose the later flight and let her return first..
We stay at hk shop..
Ok fine since u all oso nv see me as a part of you then why shld i go to hk wif u all..
Waste my time n money..
Vry angry and i shouted..fine!! U all go hk i dw go i go korea wif my friend!
Then i shut my door rm and called my friend
She manage to calm me dwn n make me reflect..
Went home and actually decide to talk it out wif them and giv way to them..
Bt my mum still better got try talk to me..
Bt that stupid bro then say dun care abt her la..i own her one meh..
Then my anger blows up once agn
Ok..then i endure till dinner...we went out four of us..
But i rly cant take it anymore..
Facing them eating tgt make me lose my appetite..
So i jus ate one bowl green bean soup and said i full alr i gg hm and left wif them dumbfounded..
I noe i vry rude..
Bt i alr vry gd at enduring alr..
If i rly bad, i will literally tell my dad in front of them that i dw go hk..i gg korea wif my friend.. i gonna blurt out everything and see hw both of them handle this mess!
I am gonna gov them one wk..if still treat me invisible and do nth i will confront them so hw stick to my timing or your timing.
Not gonna sit back and do nth frm nw on..
My bro always treats me like lowly ppl..
Jzus because i scare of insect had to beg him to catch and scare to order or talk to ppl then nid beg him hlp me all these yrs..
And he always steps on my head!
So tired alr!
Yes u nv own me anything...bt does i own u anything?
Since young u alr dun lky me then why dun kill me.
Hate him hate this ppl!
This time i rly..deleted my bro contact frm my phone
And i nv memo his number
I am so so enuf of him

4Sep

So my one and only colleague suddenly say
She not coming anymore..
Never felt so betrayed.
Tears dun even come out now..
Felt like running away bt
My mind n body n everything says NO
Calista ar...jiayou

Short Moments

Feels so near yet so far

Never know Short moments like this

Can be so heartwarming..

Power of technology

Misses her alr

TT

Feels like semb feels abit foreign and empty to me without someone i know fr 11yrs being here..

Moment when you are thinking of someone

And that someone is thinking of u too

Miss that silly smiles of hers

Happy that my gift to her is useful to her

That hm slipper is rly comfortable

I had use in my office fr 3 mths le..

Keke

When absence makes you realise what you missed all this times

So she went china le..

28 aug starting..

Hope 28aug 2018 will arrive soon

My one and only semb chingguya

I will wait for your return here

I will work hard to shine like what you saw in me...

Though imperfect but i will try hard to be like u

I will miss u lots..

Frm not being able to meet u in semb

Miss you this 7-11 friend

Who is always ther fr me this 11yrs

Pls be healthy n happy over ther.

Lets both do our rly best this one yr

Going cry soonnn

Byebye

Normal end work day..

Just reach home frm work...
Worked 14hrs..
Nv thought i will commit so much time in work..
Tired bt mood up since tml is sun...
Can rest and and and lastly...
Bae jin young..
Saranghae

Back to show up abit..

Been some time sincei wrote here..
Not because I forgot abt my blog..
But jus had many many things happening to me..
I dk where shld i start..
Working as a perm has been too overwhelming for me..
A me who haven seen the real world yet..
A childlike me still..
I realise there is stil alot mre to life that I had to cope with
To be jus a person living asimple life is too difficult.
And you can imagine there is so much mre ppl out there is so so much mre hard fr them.
I know i am slow but i jus watched finish Produce 101 Season 2.
It make me realsie that so many ppl in this world is having dreams.
And they are working really a zillion times harderthan me..
Feel so sorry to them when they still dun managed to debut..
But every every day thereareso many trainees who tried hard ,hang on n failed still in the end..
Some even went to end their lifes..
But the time that they work hard towards their drema is so beautiful.
They inspire me to try harder to live.
Even though i dun hav any dreamslike them since young.
I..recentlygot backmy results..
For thefirst time in these 4yrs...
I actually had a passes in all the modules i took..
Feel more shock than happy srsly..
I alr told heavens that if i fail still any1 modules i will quit and jus work hard to earn enuf money fr myself to continue my life.
But seems like Heaven allow me to contd studying and giv myself onemre tries and chanceto work hard..
I am..no...I want to study hard to make my mum proud of me...
I think I realise what my dream is..
Though it is not anything big n pretty lky thosetrainees..
But I want to get a deg so  that my mum can stop worrying about me..
So that I can stop feeling guiltyto them..
I want to livea life where ican enjoy my work..eat full slp full,
and can go to the countries i lky once eayr..
I know it mayb abit late for me..
as i am alr 24yr old..
This sep start I am gonna be more tired..
And it is gonna be more tough..
But...I dun wan to waste anymre time...
I am not 17anymre..I want to double use my time working n studying since i had blindly let 7yr slip by me..
I want to be lky the trainees..working hard to achieve their faraway dreams..
Whenever i am tired..I will jus look upto my favourite skies and let out a big sigh and contd. on..
I rly dun lky to live among humans..
dun lky to talk much..
dun lky to build relationships..
it is bothersome ,tiring,tough..
and it is not forever..relationship can break anytime anywhere..
in the end everybody is alone..
So i rather be alone right frm the start then be left alone at the end..
It may be more hard fr me to be alone..
and i may find myself kip envying ppl who hav many friends..
buthaving mre friendsmeans the mre time u nid to build n maintain friendship wif them..
I ratheruse time to daydream listen to songs, sing my fave songs,eat my fave food and slp at hm aahahaha
I had been living a vry fruitful and happy life since last jul..
The 8mths of work at NUH,Anglo and CIC and studying hard at the same timein nite class..
Rly thats ia the happiest of the time in my life..
never felt so useful and happy...and the end results is me passing all the modules frm last yr..
I rly wanted to thanks heaven god elf ghost devil grandpa and whoeever who gave me support..
I think i will kip thinking back to this 8 mths in my fututre..
Hope I can contd to be happy till this yr end fr now..hahaha..
hwaiting calcal..work hard play hard!

Happy bdae tmy!

Have an early celebration for tmy bdae

Finally went to fmh bro cafe

Canopy to dinner

Had been saying since a long time ago bt always nv went

                         

Had hoegarden rose that yh intro

It is not bitter fr a beer

Overall is nice

Bt we frgt to see the menu states a pint and not cup

So we endup had to play games to finish drink that 4 big "cups" of beer

The ambience ther is pretty good

And food is nice except for my aglio olio

Ahahah

Had a vry thick full makeup today

As i had to attend a job fair for company at semb cc

And had to wear nicer and look nre professional ahahah

Lky everyexcept for my eyes..

One big one small ahahah

I think i look nicer wif spects

Bt my contact aug expire i still left wif 10pairs

Wat shld i do ahahah

And i rly lky the mkup waterproof lip pen

Rly vry lasting

And will not smear on cups when drinking

Only thing is when i nid remove then takes longer time ahahha

And the colour all is vry bright kind

Dont have paler colour

After dinner

The lightings is quite nice

Lastly

Happy bdae tmy

Remain healthy n happy.